Winds of Change

Gloomy foggy morning outside echos my mood in many ways as of late. I have been in a depressive funk lately. To look at me, I might not show it. Inside I am screaming.  I have a wonderful group of friends, two terrific children, and my immediate family is amazing. But in my heart I can't help but feel there is something missing. With in the past 30 days my grandma has passed away. At this point we are financially struggling to make it through this Christmas. Things seem to keep piling up. My rear seat belt in my car decided to just stop working I suppose the retractor on it needs to be replaced. R's car is doing some funky things. Besides as wonderful as my kids can be especially on an individual basis, together they can be a living nightmare. Trust me there is a sibling rivalry there that can not be matched at times. My Son can be a handful in a half with outbursts of anger, talking back, and fidgety beyond anything.  This past weekend was a roller coaster of emotions. Friday night Jim came by with wings and we watched Howard the Duck all seemed well. Saturday morning however, I could not bring myself to stop tears from falling. I just felt as if the weight of the entire world was rested on my shoulders and I was powerless to stop it. I just want to have a good life and be comfortable in day to day living. I never wanted nor cared if I had tons of money. I just wish to find happiness in a world where so much bad happens on a daily basis. Perhaps sometime in the future it will happen and I just have to remain hopeful.  Personally I want to reach goals for this upcoming new year. I want to lose weight and become a much healthier me. Learn how to become a better person, Not that I am not good now. Just that I want to learn to control my brutal honesty and anger I feel at times. Just to place myself in a more peaceful frame of mind. I want to get a good chunk of the novel I am working on complete so I feel as if I have done something worth whiled. I am going to keep my fingers crossed in hopes that the year to come will finally be the year of change.