Born in 1975, I don't recall most of my childhood. But this is a reflection of what I do have a recollection of. My family was never one of money, most of my clothes were bought through the years from K-mart or flea markets. There is only one vacation I can ever remember taken. That was a camping trip to KOA campground in PA along with going to Bushkill Falls, Before heading over to my grandparents home on my mothers side in Lake Ariel, PA, which we visited every year. Granted we did have yearly dysfunctional family get together picnics at a place called Allaire State Park, went to the beach or Six Flags every once in awhile but never did anything extremely memorable.
My mother as far as I am concerned was wonder woman. Doing absolutely everything around the home that needed to be complete. She kept our house so spotless you could of eaten off the floors. Taken complete care of me and in later years my brother as well. She worked a part time midnight shift job to attempt to make ends meet. Yet she always still found a way to make homemade breads, canned jelly's and a home cooked meal on the table every night for us when my father got home from work.
My father was a hard worker I will give him that, but he was the eternal dark storm cloud hovering above everyone to remind them that they could not ever become what they want in life. Now granted he would have the occasional tea party with me or sit and watch a movie making ice cream sundaes. He was also the source of childhood torture. For example telling me that there was a creep living under the bed and if I was to step a foot out of it before the proper time. That the creep would get me and pull me under. Another example of this is watching Poltergeist with him at the grand age of 7 having him go out and buy the clown and place it in my room. Very humorous huh? He pulled stuff like this meanwhile was a very must go to church every Sunday type man. Was the deacon of the church at the time and taken course for his Ministry license or whatever it was.
The rest of my family outside my household was extreme dysfunctional to say the least with the exception of my Uncle and 2 cousins. I had an alcoholic Grandfather that would go out to get bread for my grandma and not return until two weeks after, cause he went on a drunken exploration who knows where. But when he return it was always with the item he was sent out to get. My Aunt was a diagnosed Psycho-schizophrenia and was hospitalized for it for a time. Later herself and husband died due to being hit by a drunk driver. Leaving behind a handful of children to then be raised by my grandpa and grandma on my father's side.
Not a single person in my family had emotions based on reactions to things, outside of anger and displeasure. Well I will exclude my mother form this as well.
My father was a public image manager that excepted me to dress and act like a princess at all times. When I tried being myself. I was automatically taking a turn for the worse.
My grandma on mom's side always made sure to point out that I was not the ideal child that my mother was at my age, whatever age that was at the time. And always felt the need to comment on my weight if I gained any.
I somehow became the black sheep, the one blamed for most family issues, despite the fact that I was probably the most emotional stable out of the lot. Not sure I can say that I am 100% emotionally in tact at this time. Their is a lot of stuff that affects me still till this day. In may ways I am hoping getting this all off my chest in written form helps to some degree. Trust me I developed a auto-destructive sex life at a very young age, grew up way to fast, have struggled with issues with poor self image, often feeling anger, anxious, and depressed. I will be writing more blogs regarding the different stages of my life inter mixed with my day to day experiences as a now as an adult and mother myself with sometimes weird outlooks or opinions.
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