I have been doing much soul searching after this past week and especially after how insane this year has been so far. I am looking for improvement in every aspect of my life. But to do so I need to get all issues and emotions out in writing.
First off I need to begin with an apology to a certain person, sorry for passing judgement on you for what occurred one day in March. You did not feel well and I should of understood that. I hope that anything in the past on either of our accounts can stay there and we can move on with the future. I give you all the credit in the world for reaching out to me. You did not know how things were going to turn out and still you took that risk. That alone makes you a pretty wonderful person. I would love to get to know you for the person you really are. I am glad both yourself and my brother have found happiness together. George you will always be my brother and we may not always see eye to eye, that is to be expected. I will forever love you…we will always be family… I will always be here for you if and when you need me. *hugs* to both of you.
Now for issues I feel like I just need to get out of my system. This in no way includes the people listed above or my real close friends.
First off I left High School back in 1994 but many times in my adult life I feel like I am stuck within its very walls. But I can't recall for the life of me H.S. being this bad. Dealing with backstabbing, hypocritical, shit talking people that walk this planet makes it very hard to know whom you can trust. Honestly I feel some adults can be more childish than if they where back in school. I don't understand why anyone feels the need to make up lies or attempt to speak badly of others.
Personally my life is filled with real friends, family with a husband and two children, financial burdens and real life issues, I have little time or patience for petty games.
I will be the first to admit I am in no way perfect nor do I ever want to come across that way. I have my own set of flaws. I am ruled by emotions, I can be stubborn, short tempered, overly blunt speaking what is on my mind without thinking how it may affect the person I am speaking to. The two things I take pride in is that I am not a liar or a fake in any sense of the words. I am who I am and people can chose to love me or hate me for it.
I guess this is why I find humor in people that feel the need to be this way. Why say things that were never said? Or act differently depending on who is around in order to make an impression? I really just have to sit back and laugh at it all, taking comfort in what I know is the truth or it would probably eat at me. There is no point in letting this type of stuff get to me anymore. As long as I know I never said things or I am trying to be a better person. I do not need to prove myself to anyone. I can get through my days knowing the facts. Besides that I have learned people will choice to believe what they feel in their heart as truth whether or not it is factual. Perhaps it is human nature to go with instincts.
At this point in my life I have zero tolerance for wanting to play games. If anyone feels like I am talking about them or concerning myself with those now in my past are sadly mistaken. A lot of people will come and go, sometimes people enter your life and make you see things about yourself you want to change to be a better person. Then there is the occasion when you want to just walk the other way and forget about them entirely. In those cases I never lament the loss of something that was never really there. I was content with life before and shall continue to be as such without you. Sometimes things go awry due to miscommunication, I feel there always needs to be a resolve when this happens. Perhaps both parties will walk away for the better and sometimes this will end badly. However it is always worth a try.
I just do not want to personally deal with any negativity anymore. Life is way to short and goes by way to quick.
I have realized that all problems can be solved with 4 simple methods.
1. Will - the desire to solve the problem
2. Honesty - about everything
3. Empathy- understanding where others are coming from.
4. Creativity- finding solutions.
I personally need to have more self reflections. Breaking down my instant defensiveness and build up more confidence.
I will not cultivate feelings of regret, everything happens for a reason, just need to sit and figure out the reasons. I do not want to hold onto guilt either. I need forgive myself and let go. Learn from anything in the past, but keep my mind in the present with my eyes on the future.
We will see where things go from here. i would much rather be a positive force of nature then anything else.
Now with all that said, Certain people will be removed from my life completely that present a negative front if it has not already occurred.
To all my real friends and people I care about: Thanks for always being there. Amanda thanks again for taking the first step in fixing a family and I hope we can move forward with a friendship. I am very grateful for that and can't tell you enough how much that meant.
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